A Quickie

Posted: April 10, 2013 in Daily Diary
Tags: , , , , ,

This is just a quickie while I am waiting for my cocktail to kick in. 2 percs, 3 extra strength Tylenol, 3 Advil and a dilotted in a pear tree. I am so angry that this post should come with a warning. I usually watch (language wise) what I write. I’ve been a mother for 25 years with my youngest two still at home so I’m always careful on what they are exposed to. I, however, cannot see them reading this and I need to vent so badly.

*I will continue on my history later. Right now Too Sore and Too Furious

My husband came by this morning and woke me up with an egg and sausage McMuffin. It has been years since I had one of those. It was so good even though I’ve developed an egg intolerance lately it was well worth it. He is kind of in a difficult spot lately. He wants to move back in, and I know that we will reconcile eventually, but I won’t put up with the shit that I put up with before we separated. So I love him and I know that he loves me but this is now a shit free zone. Hmm I wonder if I can make a wreath for the front door. Will that keep the Jehovah witnesses away? Ha! Totally worth it. But anyway I’m getting off topic. Today is our 14th anniversary, so it was nice that he thought of me with breakfast in bed even though I don’t think that separated couples are supposed to celebrate. I’ll have to check the rule book on that one. 😀

I ended up being 10 minutes late for physio this morning. Which really isn’t fair on my therapist. One day soon I will dedicate a whole day’s worth of posting to these two beautiful angels. If you ever had any doubts about how God works in mysterious ways watch for the post that I will title Sylvania and Cheryl. They truly are a God send. Anyway back to being late. With not sleeping again last night because the pain was so intense I was not surprised that I was a little really slow getting ready. I always feel better after physio. Not physically as the effort to get there and home is really taxing but it is so nice to have the feeling that someone is listening and in my corner. On my way home we stopped so I could have 10 vials of very late blood work done. By this time the pain from being out all day is so excruciating that my one track mind was thinking of bed and only bed. Forget food, it is so overrated, the mcmuffin from this morning would have to do.

Andy went on ahead and unlocked the door and grabbed the mail. Now is the reason I have to vent! I was denied again for disability!!! I am 44 cannot get out of bed without assistance. The pain in my pelvic area is so intense I cannot walk across the room. I cry roughly 20 out of 24 hours a day I hurt so badly. Now for the last 2 months every muscle and joint has joined in. I can’t make a fist, wash my hair, or even have my kids hug me because my skin and muscles hurt so much. I can’t sleep for over an hour at a time, or climb a flight of stairs. I no longer get my cycle, my bowls don’t work and I am extremely sensitive to light and sound. I can’t sit upright or cross my legs. I can’t reach my arm to scratch my back and I tend to fall over if I try to stand. Lying down in a completely relaxed state and you can see my muscles tighten and spasm. In spite of all of this “You do not meet the program’s definition of a person with a disability”.

How the Fuck am I supposed to go out and find a job to support me and my children when I can’t get to the bathroom 10 feet away? I started working when I was 6 years old with a paper route and have worked ever since. I am not lazy nor am I a social sponge. I paid my taxes and never once did I ask to become sick or a boil on the ass of society but I am not sick enough for disability. Just because I don’t have a gaping wound on the side of my head does not mean that I am not sick. Not all illnesses are visual. Although if they spent a day with me they would see first hand how sick I am. I cannot fake this for 3 years. I am so angry. I don’t know where to turn from here. Any suggestions? I need help. Please if anyone reads this please offer some feedback. I am done. If I didn’t have two kids left to raise I would just end the pain but right now this is not an option. Please if you read this help me I don’t know where to go or what to do.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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Comments
  1. Wasn’t quite as quick as I thought it was going to be

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